Mindfully Malignant
Hi there, today’s topic is the Struggle of Chronic Illness in Relationships.
I’ve been through it, and it’s no fairytale. Chronic pain can kill the strongest of relationships. When I lost my independence after my pregnancy and EDS complications, my body was debilitated. Having to rely on my ex-husband was a huge strain on our marriage. Does resentment grow when one spouse has chronic illness, how could it not? It’s necessary for the couple to work together and manage the stress as a team. This gives their relationship its strength. Especially with financial stress, medical bills pile up fast and furious. How can a couple balance normal and human reactions to stress while making a relationship work?
My health problems became a full-fledged issue when I was 32. I knew they were interfering with my then marriage. My ex-husband’s critical view of me and bitterness towards me grew. I thought that if I could manage my problems better then I’d be a stronger wife, mother, and partner. I went to therapy to solely work on my own mind-body connection. I have become so proficient at mindfulness because I have lived in chronic pain since my 20s; over half my life. Not one day has gone by where I have not had any pain. Sometimes it’s a quick flare-up, a surgery, or I can unexpectedly be injured for a short time. Sometimes I need to rely on braces, walker, crutches, or possibly a cane.
Chronic pain is such a head game. I have worked so hard for 30 years with visualization techniques (visual mental imagery), guided imagery, body scans, meditation, energy, breath work, CBT lite; all to make life a little more tolerable. The tools don’t get rid of the pain but, by using them, I can get my pain level down from a 7 to a 5 or 6. It doesn’t always work. My pain is so severe that opioids are necessary. However, I use those only as a last resort and only if my tools aren’t working. I’ve gone to a pain clinic for 23 years. But that’s another story for another blog.
What I found the hardest part of it all to be is that pain is invisible. I never look sick so despite all that I was pushing through, my ex-spouse would accuse me of being lazy all the time. I was in my 30s. I didn’t want to be beat up so young. This isn’t exactly how I envisioned my life to turn out either. This was beyond my control. My body betrayed me.
Chronic pain in a relationship affects everything in daily life, communication, traveling, socializing, finances, parenting, a healthy sex life, affection, mood, household responsibilities, consistency, and reliability. Chronic pain is definitely a burden in a relationship. Unfortunately, in my experience I was seen as the burden, not the disease itself. It’s a horrible way to be treated.
I knew my marriage was over when I had a major medical episode. Rather than my ex-husband being relieved that I was okay, he said to me, “You know what Brenda, it’s always something with you. Always.” He said it with so much resentment and contempt in his voice. Like he got a lemon for a wife and this was only happening to him. So much for “in sickness and in health.” Now I’m alone and he’s engaged. To anyone reading this, hopefully your stories have a happier ending.
Until next time, breathe deep and here’s to progress, not perfection.
Bren
