Mindfully Malignant
Hi, I’m Brenda, and this is my website’s first official blog. It’s very exciting!
I had a list of ideas about how to introduce myself and my story. Instead, I had a morning from hell and figured it’s a good place to start a blog. I have a ton of stress. Who doesn’t? I have a ridiculous amount. I can’t change the bullshit, but I can focus on my mind-body connection to help manage it.
Take this morning, for example. I wake up every day at 5 am. I have a morning routine that I should do every day. Lately, though, since I had my colon removed due to colon failure from chemo, I have panic attacks every morning for six months! There are mornings that I hate waking up. Morning anxiety is real. Some days my thoughts are easy to manage with CBT lite (go to Mindfulness Tools to find out about CBT lite). Other days, it takes more than one tool to get relief. Then there are days that I have full-on panic attacks. I have meds to manage them, but they make me too sedated. I work so hard to get through the panic attacks by practicing what I preach online and with clients.
This morning, in an attempt to avoid my morning meltdown, I decided to be on top of my game and go to my favorite coffee place at 6 am to start the day on a positive note by crushing my goal of writing my first blog and distracting my nagging thoughts.
Long story short, it was pitch black out. I left my car keys in the house, so I put my black bag that had my laptop on the ground. I got my keys, but forgot about the computer bag next to my car. I ran over my laptop. Can you even believe that? That’s what stress does to my brain.
Now, I’m spacey on a good day. I definitely have ADHD, undiagnosed. So if I don’t stick to my morning routine and structure, I do frustrating and stupid stuff like this. Even more so when dealing with chronic physical pain and discomfort. It’s called brain fog.
All of this happened on the morning of my deadline to get this blog out into the world…to you. This is my job, albeit unpaid. Of all the frigging days to run over and demolish my laptop! I wanted to hate the world, but that doesn’t get me to my goals. And when I am struggling the most, it’s when I need to use my skills the most. Yet, it’s also when I want to use them the least. I call it my “mental gymnastics.” Today, I was able to stay grounded and use my tools to keep pushing forward. Some days it feels impossible to use just one tool. Today I could do it!
I aggravated the hell out of myself today, but I leaned into my mindfulness and meditation to get through another tough and complicated day. By using body scanning, tapping, CBT lite, and breath work, I was able to stay on an even keel and grounded. My day was completely turned upside down when I barely had enough time to meet my deadline. I didn’t get all three blogs done, just one but I think it’s a good one.
I have to have grace with myself and not “should” on myself. The fact that I had a day with a lot of progress and productivity despite my 6 am shit show deserves self-praise. I need to give myself more credit and less judgment.
Until next time, breathe deep and here’s to progress, not perfection.
Bren
